Time to get prepare

I am about to prepare to cook and then will prepare to go out... and I feel like writing down how I feel at the moment so I come and type a blog again...

Hmmm I send him a mail and I tell him I want to prove to him... But he said I would show him in web cam now if I see him online...

He said he dun mind how thin I go... But I really mind... Is a bit diff now... sighing...

Anyway... I will prove and I want to prove...

No matter wut I just want to prove and nothing else! and I hope and really hope he will find someone he loves soon...

Sigh... jie is here liao and jie ask me to cook now so when Laco is back we can have dinner and so we can go out faster... suddenly got no mood because I am feeling sleepy.. But come to think of it I dun want to sleep at home in this festive season :S...

Okay le... time to go now.. as I will update about my night later when I am back....
hope u all have a happy Christmas eve and merry Christmas to everyone :)
ciaoooz

I sense something wrong

Hmmm I am supposed to go to bed now... But I sense he got someone.... I mean he wants to be someone... or maybe is his new 'gf'? .... I don’t know y I sense that out of sudden... but I hope my sixth sense goes wrong... Okay... I better go to sleep than keep thinking about this :S... sigh...

Just woke up

Just woke up like 3 minutes ago... my time now is 1253pm.... is Christmas eve today....
when I woke up in my time 8 something I was really tired and feeling unwell... and I came and look at the messenger his nick still there and is in away mode.... but his nick is in my offline list now... anyway.. Am not going to talk about him now....

Today’s weather is cold... I will celebrate a cold Christmas Eve without snow :s... anyway is better than hot rite? :P hmmm... I feel like drinking coconut juice... something wrong with my eyes... got swalloned... I dun think I cried last night :S....

Anyway when I feel a bit better now... and when I woke up I went to check the mail box but a bit disappointed as I received the bill invoice and not my 'birthday' present :S... I suppose to receive something from my friend... he had called me in Wednesday and he told me he send by pos laju already :S.... no matter wut I prefer to have less expect than keep expecting it... things that I dun really wait for it will reach faster one.... weird :s....
hmmm... wut else... I need to get prepare to prepare the food in few hours time... but I think I will go back to sleep longer as I know if I hang out with them they might plan to go to see sunrise when we all got drunk or anything again :S so I think I need more rest (hehehe i realize girls should have a good rest or else we will never expect ourselves to get a nice skin lol)

Is cold now!!! And I love the cold weather!!! :P but the weather makes me feel like sleeping :s is cloudy at them moment and the highest temperature will go up to 22 degrees only :P not like yesterday!!! 30 degrees... siao one :x....

Anyway is summer now y am I complaining here? lol... I should have prepared for all this ma hua hua hua...

Okay wish him have a happy Christmas Eve and hope he will enjoy himself....
ciaoz.

Just a little words

I din manage to sleep even though I am tired...

Was collecting ppl to play netbig2

at first I got Regis gor, Jackson, Daniel and myself but Jackson’s server wasn't that stable and keep lagging so I got to find another player... when I am looking for another player I saw him online so I asked him but he said he dun feel like playing... so I din ask or say anything else....

In 306am (my time) he came online in IRC... I got pain out of sudden and I can’t breathe nicely :S... but I am a bit better after I lay down...

He din even say a word... but he joined #munky.... i am happy... really happy for that... thanks a lot :) I am really happy for that...

Okay... I should stop typing already... I dun want to cry again... my eyes already swollen... anyway... he log off in 3.38am after I set to away mode... hope he will have a good night sleep and a happy Christmas eve...

Good night... muacksss (a good night kiss for him)....

Whoever in my msn stop asking me about I Love U KKY... yes KKY is him! And I love him! :x

-end-

Today's diary

It’s 1.01am 24th Dec 2004
I don’t know y I feel tired now... today spend lots of times of being a listeners and helping ppl... i know sometimes no point to help ppl... but i feel happy after that...
my sis called me today and asking for Christmas present lol... this year i send nothing home as i got no mood to go shopping for them.. I am tired and I think I nid some rest...
when I sang song today I missed him and I cried... I tried not to think anymore... but is just automatically think of him... anyway I think I should be okay...

I am feeling pain now as I keep eating the whole day and keep vomiting I hurt my stomach :s is bleeding now.... anyway i hope it will be alright...

will celebrate my Christmas eve with my housemates... Serena coming over... and then Laco will be working and after his work he will come home for dinner... Chris will join us as well... as in Christmas we will just go out to have bbq i think... but i feel like resting at home as I feel I was bz ever since my birthday.. Nothing much left at home and I keep buying new things in :x going to ship back again kekeke... dun care... I will just go and buy things I like...

And in Christmas night I will need to go to meet my relative for dinner.. And then in Boxing Day laco planned to go to shopping... and there u goes my weekend will be occupied :)

I don’t know y whenever he online my heartbeat will be beating very fast... I feel like mesg him but I don’t know wut to say... sigh.... I dun want to be a hi bye friend to him... looking forward to gain more weight to prove it....
today been talking to my god father as well... finally my cousin is here to take over my things :P so I am out for temp I think.... if I am still jobless I will be back to the shop to work there :s

I’m still thinking should i go home? Hmmm... I don’t know... I will decide after i prove to him...

Err... I think that's all I bought lots of Milo dairy snack... is like caramel but is Milo caramel... so I can gain more I weight I think... and I hope so... okay.. There u go my whole day gone like this :)

I wish he is alright and I hope he will find someone he loves soon....
just before I am ending this blog jaja send me this in ym lol
Friends online are people we may never see....we see pics, we see cams...it isn't the same...we grow close...we care and love one another.....one day we may not hear from one another...our hearts will break...all we see is a name on messenger but the person we don't see anymore....we pray... please come back...all I ask is you remember me in the good times we had.... keep me close to your heart...friends forever...pass this on to all your friends....if I get it back. I know that you are really a friend forever
well is meaningful but I am too tired to pass around anymore...
okay I really cant stand the pain gone now.. :S
113am 24th dec

About my day

1:39am 23rd dec 2004

hmmm today was pretty moody... I realized whenever I got moody I will clean my room.... and today my clothes were all around... and I had terbalikkan my room... well well... I took whole day to clean my room, play games with housemate... chat with friends... and cleaning my room... I had changed the light bulb for my room so I feel a lot better....

Today I’ve got a long lost relative called me... I think I saw him when I was young... he called me out of sudden and we chatted on the phone in a while... he is actually my dad's cousin... if not mistaken he is 1 week older than me and he is in melb too...
after came to melb so long I din realize I’ve got a relative here lol.... but I am really happy that I got one more 'friend' to know in here... I think I need more friends... so I will not simply think anymore... friends that I mean is really have fun, chat and share my problems.. and not those who will leave me when they know I am facing some problems....

Today my friend who never chat with me about personal things had came to chat with me about his and my personal things lol... feel weird though... but I am happy to share with him as I know him for quite sometimes... and I hope he will get the one he loves soon :)
from one of my friend's channel I’ve found out this topic It takes a lot to hate you, it takes too much to forget you, but it took so little to love you. Never say good-bye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go... is really makes me think of him... y him? :S.... and I miss all the topics we had set together... I missed the time I had spend with him... and he is back home already... he is online now... but we didn't chat as i am in busy mode....

When i surf on his friendster... he din approved all the Christmas greetings testi I send to him... I think he dun want me to flood his testi anymore... sigh... I hope he will enjoy his Christmas...

The Passionate Love May Cease To Exist Once Man's Span Is Up, But Memories Are Everlasting Nostalgic; Live&Let Die ---- there was once where everyone realized about my msn nick and this is one of my 'gor' told me one... :S... I missed him...

Learn from mistake, time and love is a good tool to cure the wound no dogs, no idiots, no bots, no betrayers allowed... we welcome our friends only, pls join #mamak our affiliation channel---> set in 24th oct... Which is 2 days after we quarreled...? I remember that was a big quarrel... we almost broke up... but we didn't... :~~~~~~

My puzzle is complete as you have filled in the missing part *muakz*!--> this is another unforgettable one... this is the one i said to him and he set as the channel topic... this topic had been set in 09th sept but been changed to no topic on 03rd dec.... 2 days after we broke up... I was still crazy and I came online siaoing around.... he was angry and he scolded me... I was sad because he compared me with someone I dun like... but I was happy because I know he is still care for me...

It is so hard to tell someone you miss them without letting them know... ----> he had changing to this topic in 04th dec... I did ask him if that topic is for me and he said yes.... I know I missed him too... so I know exactly how he feel... the topic remain till today and I will always afraid that when he come online he will change it again... and I really hope he will not change....

[01:59:58] (&SmartBot) BtLeJu|Ce was last seen online 5 days, 22 hours, 53 minutes ago. ---> He is back to the life where he dun online IRC much again... before he knows me he seldom online in IRC... but after he is with me he online almost everyday.... I used to tell him I feel secure when I see his nick around in IRC... I dunno y but is just a feeling....

Hmmm... We had been communicating through msn nick for quite sometimes... I used to call him and just keep quiet... I just want to listen to his voice...
I guess u guys should know how I feel now... or wut I am doing now... Yes... I lose to my tears again... I think I better stop now and get myself occupy again...
206am 23rd dec...

Just feel like blogging

hmm time now is 602pm and is 23rd of dec :P
today I had an appointment with friends and doctor... was not that good as I dun really take good care of myself.. But I am trying hard already... i force myself to eat lots of things :P

Anyway... I was really good mood today I dunno y... I went out with housemates as well and we did a well planning for tomolo (Christmas eve), Christmas and boxing day... I hope I will be fine...

And still considering to step to the airport or not.. I really dun want to see my mum in her wedding gown with this guy :S... I am not thinking it now and I dun want to destroy my good mood now :S

Today got to know some new friends as well :P... Laco is jealous.... he wasn't happy when I talk about him.... ekekkeek... anyway I hope we should be fine...

For the pass few days my house owner had invite her friend to live in our house... they were horrible... her voice was horrible and she love to make noise when she is home.. She is a smoker and she was from HK... when she is home she will just smoke and the whole house will full of second hand smoke... then air ventilation in the house is not so good so i really hate it.. :S

and she invited her another msian friend to stay over in the house... they were really stupid and mad... they smoke, drink, make noise in the house... they just mess around in the house... then when there are home they will just turn on all the lights at home! Arghhh I just hate it :S.... anyway... they had been chased out today by the owner hahahaha... tai sei tai sei and tai sei... but we really got fate... I met them in the train station today... damn the HK just stared at me and of coz i stared at her back hahaha....anyway is non of my business anymore :P

okay next... yesterday I went to see Liz and i told her about the guy flirting me and she taught me a good way which I got to tell those who flirting me I am a bad girl which i am rude I am smoker I smoke weed and I swear a lot... lol.. I will remember this tip to chase away those flirters lol....

hmmm wut else... today my friend ask me to call him lol... well well if i call him we will not talk also... so i will not call him lor... I realize love a person doesn’t mean we need to be with him or her all the time.. As long as he is happy then I will be happy too :) I hope he read my blog last night as I left him my blog webby... hmmm I miss him again... :S....
well well... I got to stop here will be continuing if I got anything to type at night... I am feeling happy yet feeling pain and tired :s... ciaoz

Weird dream

I had a dream last night... I dream of Him... but he had sex with other girl... the girl seems to likes him a lot but he is using the girl for sex... He wasn't happy after that.... and after I saw that, I walk away.... sigh... hopefully that dream will not come true... maybe there is no confidence in this relationship?..... Well... Is my entire fault...

Hmmm feel like talking about yesterday.... I went for a job interview... well if I got the job I will be staying in Australia... If not I will look for a job in Malaysia... I dun want to stay as jobless.... I quite happy with the offer from that hotel... is a 5 star hotel... I wish I will success... :s

Yesterday I've made Tang Yuan for my housemates... well is not as successful as the previous one... but i guess is still alright.. At least is still soft as usual... Chris want to try out the poppy seed one... and we end up throwing away all poppy seeds one because is really weird and sucks lol...

Anyway when Laco came home... we was like crazy and he used to a life where he will walk with me somewhere near our place... so we went to the Coles and grab some chicken wings and spice to grilled chicken wings... guess what? the chicken wings are sucks because we almost get it all burned lol... too near to the fire, but besides the skin it was really tasty... they love it though lol :P

Hmmm.... I'm feeling empty at the moment... just woke up but the whole brain was really stuck! :S anyway will end here now and will see what happen at night :)

My birthday

Yeah, I was born in 11th December... I don't know why I am happy for this birthday... but is just feeling great in my birthday... I should share with u all how I celebrated my birthday this year :P

Hmmm... This year I've got my birthday celebrate for whole week! No I should say whole month! lol... there are still people wish me happy birthday until today lol....
well... let's talk about the exact day of my birthday... when my computer, mobile and my alarm clock's time turned to 12am! all my friends kissed me on my cheek for my birthday :P then overseas friends start flooding my mails, my sms and my mesgs in IRC and MSN :P

I've got his card in 10th December... he had send me an e card....and that is the first e-card I open in this year :)

So I came home around 1230am... I came online... he left me a mesg in MSN... and he wished me Happy birthday... I was not around when he mesg me :s
then when I maximize my IRC I saw the topic in #my.fm had changed... and they had wished me in the channel as well...

I went to the kitchen to get some drink, Laco asked me if I want the surprise he had ready for me now or later in the morning... since I know wut's my plan are so I got to asked him to show me immediately... there u go... another creamy cake for me :S

Then I went to Coles with Rica I wanted to cook for her but is too late... It was about 1am :S and she wasn't happy because she had a big fight with her bf... she looks sad and I try to talk to her... she told me she doesn't want to get marry with her bf and she told me she was really depressed in this relationship.... maybe I am straight forward but I asked her why she choose to continue while she knows she doesn't want to marry him and she was not happy with this relationship? -.- sigh... she is using him to fulfill her emptiness?
Hmmm... when I was in Coles... he called me... he wishes me and he told me he is on his way to clubbing :s.... then I was really unhappy but I know I will call him when I reach home....

Right after I put down my things from the supermarket... I called him... He wished me and he gave me a birthday kiss on phone... I know this is not what I want... sigh....
then I went online... actually I expected Sj and Derr are the first one who wish me... but... surprising LFC is the first net friend who wished me and sms me lol... anyway he had put a smile on my face when I first saw his sms :P

Out of sudden everyone wished me and we had celebrated in yahoo messenger... I expected him to be there but he was having fun in the disco :S.... but I should not be demanding as jaja, Sj, derr, regis, Gal^, eline, nana, Gio, Joanne, Verdon, bb vinc, daniel, swindy and I can't remember if I left out anyone had joined in and sing me birthday song :P it was really great when I got this virtual party online and when I heard the birthday song...

then when everyone left... Sj had sung me some songs and I went to sleep at around 730am as I will meet Serena at 10am...

In around 1030am, I met Serena and we went to Footscray... Duc was there to had breakfast with us... we've got roasted duck and roast pork as breakfast... then I went to the saloon and get my hair cut and wash... then we went to the market to get Fish, prawns, clams, vege and some fruits... and then we went to the city.....

When we are in the city... I've met cherry, hota, liz, vincent, carol, raymond, melz... and we had a drink then I got to rush home as we got our gloceries with us....:s
after all that and we reach home... and I've cut a cheese cake for them... and I start preparing stuff for dinner....

I've shoo everyone out as I dun like ppl to disturb me while I'm cooking :P
they all having fun in my room and mess around my things :s... then when the dinner is done everyone came and had dinner.. Right after the dinner I had another cake again... is a green tea cake from serena :P... then Rica intro her friend to me and he will celebrate his birthday in 12th dec :P...

Then I got myself prepare... I was tired, pain and I know I am trying to make myself busy and occupy so I will not think of him....and so we head to the Pub (the crown) unfortunately, Laco didn't pass through the security guard so we got to find something else...

And so we went to the pubs somewhere around our place... but they closed early.....
Then we took a taxi to the city and get some wine.... I suppose to be happy as I am like a queen in my birthday... every one of them pleased me and they make themselves available just for my birthday....

Then we came home and some of the friends are here again.. and there u go we drink again :S... everything was in mess... and I am trying to clean up slowly....and so they planned to go to watch sunrise...

in 515am I rushed everyone to go out to see sunrise... the whole gang went out without dress up properly lol... but it was fun as we walk we laugh and make fun of each other... then we expected there is no sun because it was cloudy hahaha.... but we wait patiently and finally we saw the sun!!! :P and we play water at the beach.... it was really fun and nice...

After that we all was like tired and some of them was really drunk and they wanna walk to st kilda beach... but we failed to walk until at kilda beach because we were too tired to walk... so we turn back when we reach Albert park...
anyway.. There goes my birthday for this year... I can't think of anything now... So I better stop now until I feel like typing something later :P

Try It On my Own

I'm wiser now
Im not the foolish girl you used to know so long ago
im stronger now
ive learned from my mistakes which way to go and i should know
i put myself aside to do it your way but now i need to do it all alone

And i am not afraid to try it on my own
i dont care if im right or wrong
ill live my life the way i feel
no matter what ill keep it real
you know time for me to do it on my own

Its over now
i cant go back to living through your eyes
too many lies and if you dont know by now
i cant go back to being someone else not anymore
i never had the chance to do things my way
so now its time for me to take control

Oh, i start again go back to one i'm running things in my way cant stop
me now ive just begun dont even think about it there aint no way about it im
taking names go down the line yes im gonna take my turn its time for me to
finally stand alone stand alone

this is the last song he send to me... and this is the last song he asked to me listen to....
I used to promised myself will get all the trance and techno musics on so I will not think of him anymore... but I realize no matter how and what music I turn on... I will miss him still... anyway just feel like crying now... but what am I crying for? sigh...
*take a deep breath* okie I should be okie now! Nothing is impossible unless we are not trying!

Just feel like posting

I guess I will take this blog as my diary....

My mind got blank actually.... I know wut am I thinking and I know I miss him loads....
something that I should not look back anymore... I shall move on... yes... I need to move on....

Been living alone for so many years... I feel like I am looking something to fill in the empty part of my heart... but I know is like playing fire most of the time... maybe I was thinking if there is a fire starter then there will be a water to put off the fire...

No matter u understand what I am in typing now...I will still continue typing as I want to trash everything out from my mind....

The mind of thinking of him is still fresh... he is away for few days and I am taking this

Chance to suit myself to have a life 'without him'... yes, after this few days I will need to go through the same life... so I am telling myself... DO NOT MISS HIM!

I am just a normal human... with feelings, thoughts, mind and bla bla bla
mum is getting marry on 28th December, Duc and his mum are going to attend the wedding dinner... I am really unhappy and disagree for this wedding but what can I do to stop it?

I keep asking myself what I actually want to do... am I happy with what I'm going through at the moment? What are the things I achieve in year 2004? All those stupid questions pop up in my mind and it makes me feel blue...

I feel like continue typing but I am really tired now... I think I need a good rest... yes... definitely a good rest...

Hopefully after the rain it comes the sun....

My december

December is actually a month that I love the most in a year.
lots of things happened in this December....
a full stop between me and him....
met lots of new friends yet feeling lonely and mood less....
celebrated my birthday which is really unforgettable...
planning for my future path... yet the decision is still hanging somewhere ......
had a fun Dong Zhi night with housemates... we had grilled chicken wings and Tang yuan (all kinds of Tangyuan).....
Having few mood swing weeks...
and so and so and so....
there u go my first blog that i created 352am 22nd December 2004