The very last moment I had with my dad

I decided to post this thing out before I gone mad as I think it stuck in my mind that makes me feel uncomfortable… I know I missed my dad badly... but what I can do is achieve things that he hopes to see his daughter to achieve…

Even my daddy not longer alive now, but I always believe he is just all around us and seeing us going through everything in our life… even though I don’t get any guidelines from him, but I guess he wants to see us happy that being torturing or suffering…

This post is all about my daddy… in year 2002 is the year where I lost my beloved daddy in my life… I think he tried to wait for me to go back before he passed away… he was sick when I was in Australia… mummy refuse to let me know about the truth…

One day I had a strong feeling that I must give a call to my sister. Yes my sixth sense is right that I received a bad news from my sister that daddy is going for an operation… she had cried on the phone when she told me this, I know it is quite serious… I was wondering to whether to call my mum to ask about it or not and finally got to ask my mum about it… she said dad was alright and she asked who told me about it…

I’ve told my mum that my sister had told me about it and hang up the phone straight after that. She called my sister immediately and scolded her telling me about my dad’s news… whenever I called back after that, I was told dad was alright and in good condition…

10^th November 2002, my housemates and I were doing planning for our summer holidays… everyone wanted to visit around Australia… I’ve called my god father for permission and he said okay… as long as we did a good planning without wasting too much money… of course I was happy because we are going to visit Brisbane, gold coast, Tasmania and Sydney…

17^th November is my last day of exam before the next term started… I was really happy as we are going to have the trip at 30^th November… in that night, my god father had called me up and asked me to go home and visit my dad, he said I can go back for 2 weeks and come back again for the trip…

I sensed something not good as my god father never plead me to do things I don’t like at that year… and since I had the returned ticket, I had called up the flight centre to book for the earliest flight… I got it on 21^st November…. From 18^th of November to 20^th of November me and my housemates went to shopping for souvenirs and went out a lot so I will have chance to sit at home and think of unwanted things…

I reach KLIA at 22^nd November 12:00 a.m… when I got out from the airport, my ex boyfriend was there but my god father was not there yet… then my ex boyfriend passed me one phone and he accompany me to wait for my god father… by 12:10am my god father was there and he fetched me home… reached home around 1:30am…

Once I step into the house everyone was there waiting for me… I walked into the room and look at my dad… I was shocked and sad because my dad looks exactly like my grandpa before he passed away… he lost weight and looks pale… my dad look at me and I look at him without thinking anything… I know I will cry, but I got to control my tears so my mum will not see me cry… I never expected my dad become that thin… I never expected he looks that pale…

Since it was late, I got my things unpacked and talk to my sisters then went to bed early… maybe I was not used to my bed, I got up early in the next morning… I’ve spend the whole day with my mum and dad… talking to them… everyone came to my house because they knew I’m home… some of my working relatives come in lunch hour and some come after work… besides visiting my dad they had welcome me home…

Dad had keep complained of the pain on his body… but we couldn’t do much anymore… in that night, dad faced some problem in breathing smoothly and he eyes turned white… mum knows he can’t stand the pain… mum keep asking him if he knows I am home… he tried to look at me most of the time… he knows I am home… he knows I was there to keep him company all the time… I’ve told him my life in Australia… it was really hard for me to control my tears… I can see my mum trying to be staunch and I know if I cry she will collapse…

The next day, mum told my grandma that she is going to prepare the funeral for my dad and she is going to held a simple funeral in the house without invite too many relatives… but grandma advised mum that no matter what she got to inform my uncle and aunties because they are the closest siblings to my dad… before my dad suffered in disease, he told us that he would like to have his funeral in his parent’s house… so I reminded my mum and mum had contacted my aunties and uncles… they came one by one to my house and we tried to arrange a way to sent my dad back to his parent’s house…

Was waiting for my cousin to drove my dad to my grandparent’s house by his truck, but the truck are those like cargo at the back without any air ventilation… I wasn’t happy about that; finally my god father had come over to have lunch with me… I told him about the problem we had to sent my dad to my grandparent’s house… he had a van that looks like the ambulance van… so he suggested us to use the van to fetch my dad to my grandparent’s place…

He called back to the office to stop people using the van immediately… not more than 1 hour, he came back to my house with his van… we transfer my dad on his bed to the van… and mum was with dad in the van while me, my sisters, grandma and my ex boyfriend was driving there with my car…

My ex boyfriend told me that he saw my dad’s skin had change to yellowish while I didn’t realized it… dad asked mum where is he when he reached my grandparent’s place… and mum had told him he is in his parent’s house…then mum asked us to go home to have some rest… I couldn’t rest well… and got a call from my mum as every relatives was asking where are the daughters of my dad… so we went back to my grandparent’s place… mum asked if we brought any clothes to stay over in my grandparent’s place… but we didn’t bring anything there and so mum asked us to go home and packed something back to my grandparent’s place to stay for few days… according to mum, dad didn’t say anything after he asked where is he…

On the way back to my grandparent’s place, I’ve got a called from my elder sister telling me dad had passes away... without any preparation of dad passing away so fast... I was shocked and cried immediately… I’ve told my sisters and ex boyfriend immediately. In the same time I’ve informed some of my closed relatives and friends… within 1 hour time, the news had spread all over the places… and my phone was busy because of all the condolences wishes and some relatives called to asked me to be staunch so I can take care of my mum and my sisters in the funeral…

Mum was being too panic and she had forgotten about the shit will come out from dad’s stomach... so she had dirty the only underwear she brought for my dad to change… then mum asked me to buy dad an underwear on my way back to grandparent’s place… I was feeling real lost and sad when I was in the supermarket… I couldn’t think of anything… I went to the men’s department and I was lucky because my friend was working there… I asked for her assistance to get me one men’s underwear… that is the first time I bought men’s underwear…

I was sadder when I couldn’t answer my friend’s question of what size was my dad’s underwear… I was blaming myself of never notice about my dad’s details… I hardly found a guy who had similar size with my dad, and finally I got my dad new underwear… once we reached the house, the whole house was in a very sad environment… my cousins and aunties are crying…

When me and my younger sisters walk to my dad, we could see his eyes are still open and his mouth are open widely… we were crying and telling my dad we are back and ask him to go without any worries… and he closed his eyes and mouth slowly after that…

I could see my mum feeling lost, she used to arrange lots of funerals and weddings for my relatives, so based on her experience I believe she could handle the funeral well… but I heard she seek help from my grandma, she told my grandma she don’t know where to find people in arranging the funeral… since that I realized my mum was lost in her sadness… I know she needs lots of supports from us…

The coffins shop’s owner had came over to make lots of quotations to my mum and we were facing some difficulties in deciding to buried or to burn my dad’s body… according to all the elderly in my dad’s family, they want to buried as that is the tradition they had… but according to my mum, she wanted to followed what my dad asked for burning his body… I was real sad that moment because I saw my mum facing all the elderly alone… everyone against her decision… I went up and stared hard at them… and I said this is my dad and my dad is my mum’s husband... since he is dead why don’t we just fulfill his last wish? Mum pull me away and she scolded me for being rude to all elderly… I couldn’t care much as I can’t stand them against my mum…

I was blamed for receiving too many calls… I was touched that my friends had spread the news very fast and everyone text me and called me to send their condolences… so after all details been decided, the coffins shop’s workers had came over to get my dad changed into the suit… they were very rough to my dad and I was really angry of them…

I push them away and shout them for not touching my dad… me and my sisters wear the suit for my dad… and so the funeral went on for 5 days… I’ve got sick after that 5 days funeral… lots of confusions, arguments and blaming session in the funeral… but I had to act like a eldest daughter to control the scenario as I can’t stand to see them fighting in the funeral…

My mum was upset about my eldest sister because she got married with an Indonesian and she was a Muslim… she refused to give respect in the funeral because of the religion matter… that had become a problem while there are numbers of relatives who get involve in scolding my sister for that…

And there goes my very last moment I had with my dad…